He smiled
understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles
with a quality of eternal reassurance in it that you may come across four or
five times in life. It faced—or seemed to face—the whole eternal world for an
instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your
favor. It understood you just as far as
you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in
yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your
best, you hoped to convey. (The Great Gatsby 156)
Life is something
that is very interesting! I never really thought that I was living for myself
as much as I thought I was living for the World. From the time that I can
remember my own thoughts I have always wanted to be something bigger than the
average person. Unfortunately, to this day I am still not sure if my success
will be measured by the accolades of my merits or the acceptance of my image. I
am either meant to be a great success or a horrible tragedy.
I have yet to
truly figure myself out! My mind is far too conscious to ever allow myself to
engage in anything without overthinking it. I am constantly presenting a
different personality based on the atmosphere I am in. For years now I have played the personality
game! Ok! Ok! So maybe it is not just I. I do believe that we all have
alternative personalities along with our main or most recognizable personality.
However, in my
case I feel as though I have multiple, personalities that wreck my brain trying
to break free, so that they may present themselves to the world. The feeling of having to always be on and
ready to perform when you are dealing with your personality and conscious eventually
prompts the question of “Is this really me or am I showing others what I think
they want to see from me?” The thought of this absolutely confuses me because
to myself I ask, how can I stand for something or represent a culture when I am
lost in the smog of my life? Literally!
I have always
tried to live with an open mind and judge only the things that make an optimal
difference in the world. I like to believe that I am civil and understanding
but the plague of anger and anxiety seems to sweep me off of my feet every
time, pushing me back to the various stereotypes of my assumed culture.
As an African
American Man my character will always be associated with anger and violence.
Although I may not contribute to this particular stereotype it is something
that I have to accept to ensure my future. So when I cannot control my anger or
levels of anxiety, it disproves what I have planned for my future and writes in
stone the future society has for me.
I have a hard time
with myself because of the way I think and the way that my family and society
has raised me. I am not saying that I blame them or that I am upset with them
for the way they raised me. In fact I like to believe I had best of both
worlds. Maybe that is truly the reason I am so conscious in my way of thinking.
My Mother, whom was adopted, came from a family of only children who had a
plentiful line of abandonment. My Mother’s biological mother would give her up
for adoption at birth because of the confusing lifestyle she led as a Lesbian
woman caught in web of mistakes and broken promises with a man she barely knew.
This broken relationship would not affect me directly but the relationship between
my Mother and whom I consider to be my Grandmother (my mothers adopted mother)
would have a constant affect on me in both my childhood and adulthood.
The relationship
between my mother and Grandmother is very complicated. How can a mother
daughter relationship be filled with so much anger and love at the same time?
My mother has multiple issues with my grandmother, all of which I do not know
nor do I understand. At a young age I realized that the time that I found
myself in trouble as a youth it was the common ground of discipline and
affection that brought the two together. They never divided against me and
treated me all the same. However, when an issue between the two would arise I
was usually the topic of discussion. I was the poster child for neglect and
spoiling a child. Still confusing to me to this day. At a young age I figured
out how to get in trouble at school to cool the tension between the two when tension
was high.
All I wanted was
the visual of a caring relationship! Instead I was always presented with the
various violence of a relationship. I
have no way to prove my theory but I am almost certain that this very
experience contributed to my level of anxiety and anger.
I AM ANGRY WITH
MY FAMILY! HOWEVER, TIME HAS OVERSHADOWED MY ABILITY TO EXPRESS HOW I HAVE FELT
FOR SOME TIME NOW.
My biological
father on the other hand is a transparent mystery. I have all the answers I
could want from him but those answers do not explain the results of his
behavior and how it affects me. I understand that an addiction is a disease and
that it is truly something hard to recover from. The thing I could not
understand the most was his reason for taking drugs. In a civil conversation
between my dad and I he tried to explain that his addiction was the result of his
failed efforts as a father when I was younger. To me the blame was placed on me
in many ways. What was it about the dynamics of our supposed relationship that
made him wanted to escape and find solace in chemicals?
No matter how bad
things were at one point we all were united and had each other’s best interest
at hand. This gives me reason to believe that I was the straw that broke the
camels back. I was not enough or I was
too much for my dad to flourish without having to loose his emotions and ability
to love.
Seems that would
be the theme for most of my life. I
would be born into a wounded family and fathered by a shiftless man who
completely became consumed with the binding freedom of drugs.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I AM, WHERE I AM GOING OR
WHAT I AM TRULY CAPABLE OF DOING!
Statements that
ring clear in my conscious, whether it be truth or simple anxiety, I am not
sure. I have accepted anxiety and all of its consequences as faults of my own
because at some point I realized that all these things that create anxiety for
me as a person searching for his identity were the only things that were
consistently there and never faltered. However, the thought of this also scares
me beyond belief. One of my worst fears is waking up without a purpose or no
understanding of why I am in the position that I am in. For a child who had
dreams like a star with no other reason but to believe that it was possible
because it was always on him to understand whom he was. People cared and some
still do care but being visible and being there are two different things.
My greatest battle
is having understanding. I don’t mean understanding the commonality of life or
people but the understanding of who I am. I cannot help but to believe that I
am a psychotic mastermind with a personality disorder. Harsh, right?! Not
really. See these are just some of the thoughts that I have of myself. I wish
there was a way to visually express my thoughts as clear as they are presented
to me while thinking.
I am not your
average 23-year-old college student. My mind races nonstop. It becomes
overwhelming to the point that my thoughts begin to affect my personality. What
happen to me as a child? Was it the domestic violence in the household? Was it
the void of a father figure who was my own father? Was it the dubious loving
relationship between my grandmother and mother? I don’t know but my mind cant
help but think that all of those things have created this individual
personality of a 23 year old African American cultured male whose mind seems to
be enslaving him to believe that what he is a mystery because he never had time
to evolve his personality. I have to believe I was born to be let down time
after time, person after person.
The bottom line
for me is that, those I want to depend on have failed me before I was ever able
to understand the emotional cogence of myself.
I am loved and have loved but that is all overshadowed when the love is contingent
on my behavior. At times I feel like a charity case in my family because of the
lack of involvement that has transpired over the years from both of my parents.
When you are always introduced to others
as someone else’s child, it begins to way heavy on the heart of the child. A since of belonging is truly my issue! I have
come to the point where independent is most attractive to me.
I understand that
life is a gift and we should cherish it. I really do try to keep a float and
stay motivated to be a success among my past and future failures. Unfortunately
when your best qualities are overshadowed by uncertainty and cloaked in strife,
motivation changes to self-destruction.
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