Rough Draft

A Personality created by Life choices not my own.

“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced—or seemed to face—the whole eternal world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor.  It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.” (The Great Gatsby 156)

Life is something that is very interesting! I never really thought that I was living for myself as much as I thought I was living for the World. From the time that I can remember my own thoughts I have always wanted to be something bigger than the average person. Unfortunately, to this day I am still not sure if my success will be measured by the accolades of my merits or the acceptance of my image. I am either meant to be a great success or a horrible tragedy. 

I have yet to truly figure myself out! My mind is far too conscious to ever allow myself to engage in anything without overthinking it. I am constantly presenting a different personality based on the atmosphere I am in.  For years now I have played the personality game! Ok! Ok! So maybe it is not just I. I do believe that we all have alternative personalities along with our main or most recognizable personality.

However, in my case I feel as though I have multiple, personalities that wreck my brain trying to break free, so that they may present themselves to the world.  The feeling of having to always be on and ready to perform when you are dealing with your personality and conscious eventually prompts the question of “Is this really me or am I showing others what I think they want to see from me?” The thought of this absolutely confuses me because to myself I ask, how can I stand for something or represent a culture when I am lost in the smog of my life? Literally!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN4Di8DEPf8

I have always tried to live with an open mind and judge only the things that make an optimal difference in the world. I like to believe that I am civil and understanding but the plague of anger and anxiety seems to sweep me off of my feet every time, pushing me back to the various stereotypes of my assumed culture.

As an African American Man my character will always be associated with anger and violence. Although I may not contribute to this particular stereotype it is something that I have to accept to ensure my future. So when I cannot control my anger or levels of anxiety, it disproves what I have planned for my future and writes in stone the future society has for me.

I have a hard time with myself because of the way I think and the way that my family and society has raised me. I am not saying that I blame them or that I am upset with them for the way they raised me. In fact I like to believe I had best of both worlds. Maybe that is truly the reason I am so conscious in my way of thinking. My Mother, whom was adopted, came from a family of only children who had a plentiful line of abandonment. My Mother’s biological mother would give her up for adoption at birth because of the confusing lifestyle she led as a Lesbian woman caught in web of mistakes and broken promises with a man she barely knew. Seems that would be the theme for most of my life.  I would be born into a wounded family and fathered by a shiftless man who completely became consumed with the binding freedom of drugs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxulantPiXI

 I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I AM, WHERE I AM GOING OR WHAT I AM TRULY CAPABLE OF DOING!

Statements that ring clear in my conscious, whether it be truth or simple anxiety, I am not sure. I have accepted anxiety and all of its consequences as faults of my own because at some point I realized that all these things that create anxiety for me as a person searching for his identity were the only things that were consistently there and never faltered. However, the thought of this also scares me beyond belief. One of my worst fears is waking up without a purpose or no understanding of why I am in the position that I am in. For a child who had dreams like a star with no other reason but to believe that it was possible because it was always on him to understand whom he was. People cared and some still do care but being visible and being there are two different things.  

My greatest battle is having understanding. I don’t mean understanding the commonality of life or people but the understanding of who I am. I cannot help but to believe that I am a psychotic mastermind with a personality disorder. Harsh, right?! Not really. See these are just some of the thoughts that I have of myself. I wish there was a way to visually express my thoughts as clear as they are presented to me while thinking.

I am not your average 23-year-old college student. My mind races nonstop. It becomes overwhelming to the point that my thoughts begin to affect my personality. What happen to me as a child? Was it the domestic violence in the household? Was it the void of a father figure who was my own father? Was it the dubious loving relationship between my grandmother and mother? I don’t know but my mind cant help but think that all of those things have created this individual personality of a 23 year old African American cultured male whose mind seems to be enslaving him to believe that what he is a mystery because he never had time to evolve his personality. I have to believe that I was born to be let down time after time. Person after person.

I understand that life is a gift and we should cherish it. I really do try to keep a float and stay motivated to be a success among my past and future failures. Unfortunately when your best qualities are overshadowed by uncertainty and cloaked in strife, motivation changes to self-destruction.